Halloween Horrors: Dracula vs Frankenstein

October 31, 2010 at 4:40 pm Leave a comment

Dracula vs Frankenstein. The name alone should be enough to make a movie good.  How do you screw that up? I’ll tell you how. Have it take place in Venice Beach, California. Put two musical numbers in it. Cast a guy as Dracula who has no business playing Dracula. Make Frankenstein look like crap. Forget to light your scenes. What should have been epically awesome ended up being a complete mess.

The movie opens with a doughy guy getting attacked by Dracula. Then we cut to Las Vegas. We get to see a bland stage singer. So bland that even the audience in the movie seems bored by her. What the hell is a Dracula movie doing in Las Vegas? Then we go to a police station where a police detective is asking the show singer about her sister. Or rather she is asking him about her. He goes off on a rant about how girls apparently come to Venice in hopes of being in prostitution and a white slavery racket. The 60’s/70’s really were messed up. What the hell is going on with this movie? Where is Dracula? Where is Frankenstein’s Monster? Now we are at a carnival. A young couple gets lead through a spook house by a little person.  The haunted house is actually a front for Dr. Duryea, who is the last descendant of Frankstein. He has been sending out his assistant, played by Lon Cheney Jr, to butcher girls so he can harvest their blood for a serum that will bring the girls back to life. Wouldn’t it be easier to not kill the girls? Seems like a lot of trouble to bring those girls back to life. This gets the attention of Dracula. Dracula offers him the body of the Frankenstein Monster. Together they are going to do….. something. It’s not clear what.

In the second movie, Judy, the Las Vegas lounge act, goes out looking for her sister. She goes to a club where not Jimi Hendericks is playing. After asking some questions, she gets drugged by hippies. When you see what happens in the rest of the movie, none of this makes any sense. She is taken away my a guy in a poncho and a girl.  She wakes up with a guy named Mike who knows who her sister is. Why he went through the trouble of kidnapping her makes no sense. The guy and the girl who hauled her away are named Strange and Samantha. They vow to help her find her sister. Why didn’t they just say so? Why drug someone and bring them to a strange beach house if you plan on helping them?

So story 1 and 2 come together when Judy and Mike go to the spook house. We go about 45 minutes without seeing Dracula.  After poking around the spook house, Strange and Samantha get surrounded in an alley by the bad acting biker gang. After the near rape of Samantha we go to the beach for  Sessions presents the Smooth Songs of the 70’s as Judy and Mike make out on the beach. Isn’t this suppose to be a Dracula/Frankenstein movie? The Sons of Blandness catch up with Samantha at the beach in the middle of the night. They try again to rape her. Lon Cheney shows up with an axe and kills them all.

I need to stop to talk about Lon Cheney in this movie. Its really sad. He has no dialog. He looks rather haggard. I have to believe he really needed the money or he wouldn’t have done this. I have to give him credit for trying but he looked like he was too old for this shit. He spends most of the movie making weird faces. For a guy who is a horror legend for his work in the 30’s, its depressing to see him in a movie in the 70’s moving slowly and with one foot in the grave. This was his last movie. He really deserved better than this.

Judy gets kidnapped by Dracula after Dr. Frankenstein, Lon Cheney, and his little person assistant are all killed. Mike gets toasted by Dracula’s ring. Dracula’s ring is a really strange effect. It’s obviously cheap but kind of effective. The climax comes in the woods, for no reason. We get no conclusion on whether or not Strange found Samantha or if Samantha is ok. We do see that Judy’s sister is ok but she was in a zombie like state. They don’t get reunited. Judy is tied up in a shack in the woods. Dracula is going to turn her into a vampire. But Frankenstein’s Monster sees that she has soft hair and boobs and decides to attack Dracula. Literally, there is a shot that is a close up of her breasts. Not bare though. For those of you keeping count, there is one bare breast in this movie. It was nothing special. Anyway, Frankenstein’s Monster attacks Dracula and they brawl out in the woods. You can hardly see what is going on in this scene. It looks like two shadows dancing in the distance. Dracula’s dialog is dubbed in. It sounds like he is in another universal. He rips the arms and head of the Monster and calls it a day. But the sun comes up before he can get back to turning Judy into a vampire. So Dracula turns into dust. I guess we have no winner. Judy gets freed and flashes back at all the crap we just seen. Literally, they just show clips of everything in the movie while she stands over Dracula’s dried out husk.

I guess what Dalton said in Road House is true, “Nobody wins a fight.” Nobody won this fight and the audience was the biggest loser. This movie was just terrible. It fails to deliver on the premise because they added a bunch of crap that had no business being in a movie called Dracula vs Frankenstein. Hopefully someone will do this move the right way someday. This movie completely failed it’s promising title.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaZWGNVUQoI

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Entry filed under: Horror.

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