Beverly Hills Vamp

January 16, 2010 at 2:45 am Leave a comment

A writer, director, and DP walk into a whore house and a bad movie breaks out.  Yeah, that might be a bad joke but it fits with the theme of this movie. There is just one failed joke after another. One of the hardest things to do as a reviewer is to describe how something that is suppose to be funny fails.  So this will be one of the greatest challenges I have had in a while.

Beverly Hills Vamp sticks with the tried and true formula for movies on You Tube, more nudity = worse movie. There are a lot of bad sexual puns. The only motivation the characters of this film seem to have is making bad sex jokes. It’s not just one or two characters either, it’s the entire cast. There isn’t much for story in this one.  The movie is pretty much just a string of sexual innuendos. A few of them kind of work but not nearly enough to make this movie decent.

We are introduced to a character who is saying things that should be funny but aren’t.  I guess he is suppose to be reading us this story from The Big Book of Vampires.  He warns us that vampires are real from Vampire Central. Then shows us the bites on his neck.  So I suppose the world’s top vampire hunter is a vampire himself. Makes sense. If this guy has been bitten, why his he warning us about the dangers of vampires and telling us a cautionary tale? Seems like that would be counter-productive to the whole being a vampire thing but what do I know.

So we go to some cops sleeping with hookers. They seem to be having a good time until they are bitten by vampire hookers. So is this going to be a movie about a corrupt police force with vampires in it’s ranks? No. Because then we go to some nerds trying to sell a movie in Hollywood. Somehow I can relate to their struggle. These are our main characters.  So slam the breaks on the whole vampire thing because we have to spend a half hour with these guys making terrible jokes.

There is the writer of the bunch played by Eddie Deezen. He has had a long and illustrious career playing the nerd in countless movies. I’ve seen him in much better movies that this and he’s a pretty funny guy. So I blame his performance on the writing and directing. He eventually becomes our main character. I remember him mostly from supporting roles. So this is an example of why the nerdy sidekick can’t carry a movie.  It doesn’t help that there isn’t a whole lot to his character. He’s a nerd, he has a girlfriend, he flails his arms a lot. That’s about it.

The director for this group  is named Brock played by Tim Conway Jr. I didn’t even know he was in movies. I know him as a radio talk show host on KFI AM 640.  He has a wry sense of humor and his show is an acquired taste but I think the guy is very funny. He is a very good talk show host. As an actor, well, maybe this just wasn’t the right role for him.  This character is even less deep than Kyle the Writer. Brock is horny. That’s all.

Then there is the DP. I don’t know him from anything but according to imdb, he has had a pretty long career. Character name, Russell.  Motivation, horny. The only other characteristic I noticed is he shoots a half naked girl with a Polaroid camera. Because nothing says professional photographer like a consumer grade Polaroid. It actually is kind of a funny bit but not worth more than a chuckle.

One of the things you will notice is there is a lot of gesturing in this movie. It’s not just Kyle, it’s everyone. The director of the actual movie must have just told everyone to movie their arms around a lot. That’s acting!

There is a lot of self-referential humor and breaking the fourth wall.  You can get away with things like that once, maybe, in a movie. But in this movie, its a running gag. For example, when the movie producer rejects our young film makers script, he mentions he can get them work on his next project directed by Fred Olen Ray. That’s the name of the director of the movie. He does it again when the movie producer later in the movie mentions his last project was Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, which is a Fred Olen Ray movie. Characters talk to the camera often and not in the John Cusack ‘High Fidelity’. They do it to for a cheap gag or a bad joke. Talking to the audience is called breaking the fourth wall. As a rule of thumb, you can get away with this once in a movie but you have to earn it. It’s a practice that is not recommended. This movie is a prime example why. There is nothing wrong with a movie that doesn’t take itself seriously. But this movie comes off like it doesn’t care at all.   They have just come here to make penis references and show women with no top on.  Screw you if you thought you were getting a story out of this.

Just because it’s a comedy doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have a good story. Most of the best comedies have a coherent storyline that can be followed throughout the film. Jokes work in service of moving the story forward. Jokes have to be relevant to the story and fit with the characters who are presenting them. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective for example is a really goofy character. But it’s established early on that’s just Ace being Ace and there is a method to his madness. Beverly Hills Vamp all about the one liners and jokes,  story be damn. Not that anything that happens in this movie matters because of the twist ending that makes no sense. Generally, it doesn’t matter who is saying what joke. It’s all just the same stuff recycled over and over again. Point being, this whole movie seemed very self serving. It was written with the intention have fitting in as many inside jokes, smut, and one liners as possible with no intention on telling a good story.

The editing is another problem I had with the film. It rears its ugly head right from the beginning.  Editing is one of those things that is only a problem if I notice it. Without getting inside baseball and boring people, let me just say this movie was not cut together well.  It really reveals itself in how slowly the movie moves along. There are many scenes that could have been cut out or cut shorter. For example, when Kyle and the producer are going to kill the head vampire, the producer decides to call the Priest ,from whom they received vampire slaying advice,  just to double check on everything they have already been told. What is the purpose of this five minute scene? Well, the Nurse who is giving the Priest a back rub hears an out-of-context, vaguely sexual conversation. So five minutes of screen time gets wasted for a gag that is hit or miss and only rehashes what the audience already know.

Beverly Hills Vamp is a lot worse than Road House and I am done talking about it. It’s boring, self serving, painfully dull, poorly written, poorly acted, and poorly directed. Bad movie fans should watch this one for a good laugh. I laughed at this movie. But for all the wrong reasons.


Entry filed under: Comedy. Tags: , , , , , .

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