Troll 2

October 17, 2009 at 10:35 pm Leave a comment

Ouch. If you are a fan of bad movies, chances are you have heard of or seen this movie. Troll 2 is considered by many to be one of the worst movies ever made. So I had to jump into the buzz saw with Liz (OH HELP ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THIS MOVIE) to see for myself. All we have to say is ouch. THIS MOVIE SUCKS! I mean really sucks, when Liz can joke about wanting to be raped by rapid zombies with leper dicks then watch this movie, then you know it’s a journey into the shittastick.

Troll 2 makes no sense from beginning to end. The movie, the whole thing was pointless because not only was the ending so anti-climatic but it also gives the viewer a bullshit, twist during the last three minutes of the film. (Liz’s note: to my poor abused readers I would like to let you know that Troll 3 doesn’t even take off where Troll 2 ends and I for one am not going to watch that piece of shit) Although, like many things in this movie, they foreshadow the hell out of it so it’s no real big surprise.

We’re introduced to the Waits Family who seems to have entered into some kind of improbably house swap for the month agreement. They will go on vacation and live in the country, while a country family will live in their house in the city. Young Joshua sees dead people (Boring). By which I mean he sees his dead grandfather (Predictable). Grandpa tells him that he needs to keep his family from going to the country and to eat a lot of peaches or else they will all die. The family goes anyway and finds the town of Nilbog (Liz’s note: Nilbog so original like the viewer can’t tell its “Goblin spelt backwards) to be a little strange. The country family, who act about a subtle as a train wreck, greets them with monotone forced human behavior. This can mean only three things in a bullshit movie like this, 1) really bad acting, 2) the humans aren’t really human but “aliens or monsters”, 3) both. Meanwhile, the daughter’s boyfriend has come out to the country with his friends to spend the weekend with his girlfriend. Problem is, she hates the fact that he has friends. The big secret about this town is that they are all goblins. Not trolls, like the title would suggest, goblins. And if people eat their food, they will turn into green slime. Because these goblins are vegetarians, you know in the many years of D&D both Liz and me have played never once when looking up Goblin in the monster manual did it ever state they were vegetarians. Nor in and other goblin mythos have either of us discovered the same thing. Apparently these vegan card-carrying members of PETA goblins do and feed on humans by turning them into plants.

All of the boyfriend’s friends get picked off, usually tricked by illusions of girls who want to have sex with them (Ok kids raise your hands if you saw that one coming). Gramps is warning Joshua left and right to try to keep his family from turning into vegetable goo but his family seems all too eager to be killed off. Somehow they manage to survive because the kid always finds someway to save them at the last minute. The boyfriend unites with the girlfriend, blowing off his one living friend. The friend dies when the evil witch behind all of this decides to have popcorn sex with him. Yes, she has popcorn sex with him. (Hey at least this kid dies happy) If you don’t know what that is, watch Troll 2 because I’m sure this is the only movie where that has ever happened. Joshua figures out that Nilbog is goblin spelled backwards (a hour and a half into the movie never mind the fact that the audience has figured it out with in the first fifteen minutes) and that this must be the heart of their kingdom. So eventually the family figures out what is going on when the town mayor/preacher is set on fire and left a smoking goblin husk. They lock themselves up and have a séance to bring back grandpa to figure out what they are suppose to do about these goblins. He says the power of good will destroy the Stonehenge stone that gives the goblins their power. So they all go to the witch’s house, who is a decedent of (shock and awe) Stonehenge. Zombie, I mean ghost grandpa and Joshua which is soon followed by the rest of the family put their hands on the stone, evil’s destroyed with the help of a double Decker bologna sandwich, and we can all go home to see a twist ending.

That doesn’t begin to tell you how awful this movie is. The dialogue is so unintentionally funny that I will be quoting lines from this movie for the rest of my life. “There EATING her. Then their going to eat ME! OH MY GOD!!!!” The acting is laughably bad beyond your wildest imagination. Where they found these actors is beyond me but they are amazing. Either they were told to act that bad and this movie is genius or they were friend of the director and had no clue what they were doing. Speaking of the director, was he watching this movie when he was shooting it? Did he do a second take on any of these scenes? The sound design at parts, like when the goblins get hit or fall down stairs, is so bad that I am actually mentioning it. If I can notice the sound design then someone screwed up and if Liz our residential sound designer can notice it than its shit and she did oh she so did. Scene after scene, line after line, performance to performance are all so remarkably bad they will boggle your mind.

I don’t need to tell you this is worse than Road House, because it is by a long shot. Asking someone what they think of Troll 2 is like asking someone what they think of Hitler; the answer isn’t going to be a pleasant one. This movie is in the same class as Plan 9 and others. If you are a bad movie fan, you need to see this movie. If you are expecting to be entertained, you might be if you know going in that this movie is not good. Don’t watch this movie for the story. Watch this movie to laugh at how horrible it is. Troll 2 is a bad movie classic and a must see to be believed.

http://www.hulu.com/troll-2?c=Horror-and-Suspense

 

 

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