Archive for October, 2009

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Much Malign 4th Indy movie is just kind of meh. They didn’t rape Indiana Jones, they just fondled him inapproprietely.


Continue Reading October 27, 2009 at 10:16 pm Leave a comment

Cheerleader Ninjas

Mean-spirited, unfunny, and all around in poor taste. Cheerleader Ninjas is one painful ride.

Continue Reading October 26, 2009 at 12:03 am Leave a comment

Amityville II: The Possession

The second in the long series of Amityville movies. Not highly regarded mostly because of an incest subplot, but for You Tube, not bad at all.

Continue Reading October 22, 2009 at 5:10 pm Leave a comment

Atom Age Vampire

The title is a bold faced lie.

Continue Reading October 22, 2009 at 4:38 pm Leave a comment

Attack of the Giant Leeches

A slow moving, 50’s creature feature.

Continue Reading October 22, 2009 at 4:35 pm Leave a comment

The Attic Expedition

Not a bad effort for some rookie film makers. Seth Green like you have never seen him before.

Continue Reading October 22, 2009 at 4:25 pm Leave a comment

Dr. Torture Movies

While watching the large library of movies available for all to see on You Tube, I have found certain patterns and sub-genres of movies. There seems to be no shortage of Spanish cinema, by which I mean 70’s movie made in Spain mainly on the plains. There are low budget Lionsgate movies, some better than others but all made with a stench that just screams “first time film maker.” What Liz and I found is a sub-genre that we call the “Dr. Torture Movie.” Today’s Double Feature will introduce you to the mind bending horror that is Dr. Torture Movies, namely Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon and Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism.
First movie we watched was Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon. Known by about 15 different titles when you look it up on, Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon claims to be based on an Edgar Allen Poe story that Liz chose to look up on the Internet and find out if it actually existed. She screamed bloody murder when she realized 1) it did, the original story is called The System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Feather. The story during Poe’s time was speaking against the mistreatment of the mentally ill during that era. 2) That the guys who made this totally rapped the story of its original meaning and fucked with Poe’s work to begin with. Don’t even get her started on what they did in the other movie with the Pit and the Pendulum. First things first, I would like to bring up the problems I had with the title. Again, I got into these movies blind, for the most part. Meaning, I haven’t read a spoiler or watched a trailer. So with a title like Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon I have certain expectations. Mutilated bodies, buckets of blood; the mad Dr. Tarr peeling flesh off someone’s body while they are still alive and screaming. I’m expecting Dr. Tarr to be a sick and demented man of science. So sick and demented he doesn’t know how to spell tar anymore.
This movie has none of that. What should have been an early 70’s Saw movie was instead a bunch of crazy people in the woods acting well, crazy. No torture. No flesh peeling. Not even a Dr. Tarr. Nope, there is no character in this movie that is called Dr. Tarr. Is there a dungeon? Well, yeah kind of in like one scene that gets glossed over real quickly. The audio is of poor quality and the video quality just boggles the mind. They even have a seen where a guy has been shackled to a wall and is being starved to death and give you no reason with the visiting Doctor going on this tour of insanity with a la de da wow Doctor I can’t believe this actually works.
So what is the movie about? It’s hard to tell. One Doctor goes out to a castle in the woods were there is another Doctor. Not Dr. Tarr, His name is Gastone. It’s hard to tell. No one ever addresses each other by name so it’s hard to tell who is who in this piece of crap movie. All I know is no one is named Dr. Tarr. The good doctor comes in to take a walk around this dank, dreary, stone castle in the middle of the woods. Meanwhile, pirates out in the woods rape a woman we never really get to meet, which makes you ask why the fuck is this even in the movie? So we continue to walk around this broken down castle and see one crazy person after another. Crazy women walking around topless, chicken men, drooling morons, do I really need to go on? We take the tour of crazy people for what seems like forever wondering when the movie will really start. In the end bad doctor gathers all his crazy people to kill good doctor and the raped girl. He delivers a speech that lasts forever and says nothing. Then another group of crazy people break out of a cage and lead a rebellion. Bad Doctor gets killed, the end and not a moment too soon.
Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon is just painfully confusing, drawn out surrealist piece of crap. Why call a movie this if there isn’t going to be any torture? Why make a movie without a story? The dialogue is terrible nonsense and the performances are horrid. This movie looks like crap and sounds like crap because it is crap. I don’t know how they got funding for Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon or distribution. This movie is so bad it shouldn’t have seen the light of day. Instead, if you really want to you can watch it for free if your brave enough.

Our second Doctor Torture movie is better but that’s not saying much. This is the Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism and there are striking similarities to Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon. First, it claims to be based on an Edgar Allen Poe short story, which Liz having to know which one it was looked it up. They screwed with one of her favorite Poe short story and I haven’t heard the end of it ever since she found out. Apparently she missed the closing credits, which would have saved her the research not that I can blame her I wanted to get that piece of shit off my computer pretty quickly too. This time they flat out say its based on The Pit and The Pendulum. Also there is no Dr. Sadism. There isn’t even a doctor in this movie. The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism is about Count Regula, played by Christopher Lee meaning they wanted to make a Dracula movie but for some reason didn’t. Finally, just like Dr. Tarr, there isn’t exactly a torture chamber or any real torture in the movie.
Count Regula was drawn and quartered many years before our story really starts. He killed 12 girls but one got away. So fast forward and Roger our Gristle McThorn body hero gets a letter inviting him to Count Regula’s castle so that he may learn everything he wanted to about his past. During his travel to the Count’s castle he meets Lillian who has received a similar invitation but is promised some grand fortune instead. So they head out with a thief disguised as a priest and Lillian’s maid Babette. As they travel deeper into the woods the promise of goodies from a person they don’t know is just too great to ignore instead of the weird and dangerous situation they find themselves in. So they get to the castle after a very long journey (for the viewer), and seeing tons of awesome dead bodies hanging from trees along the way (finally something scary). The women are separated from the men along the way and are brainwashed by Regula’s lackey. Finally they all get together for dinner but shockingly the dinner is poisoned. During all this excitement, our foul mouth poorly behaved priest finally reveals he is actually a high way robber, which to the viewer should come as no surprise since they foreshadowed the shit out of that. The only reason he was going along with Roger and party was just so he could steal whatever he could from Regula’s castle, big surprise there. They kind of get away but they kind of don’t. The men are drugged, one put in a dark room and the other tired to a floor. This is where the story gets similar to The Pit and The Pendulum. (No it doesn’t, yes it does Liz, no Mike seriously it doesn’t, fine). Anyway, this is where it gets similar to the Pit and the Pendulum; Roger needs to get out of his binds before a giant blade swinging down towards him cuts him in two. Meanwhile, Babette has disappeared, Lillian is awoken, and Regula’s lackey is waking him up from his long slumber. In classic Bond villain fashion, he explains the entire plot. Apparently Regula discovered that the secret to immorality is to drink the blood of 13 virgins. He only got 12 but he vowed to finish what he started. Lillian is the daughter of the one that got away and caused his imprisonment and execution, Roger on the other hand is the son of the judge who convicted him. In order for him to live he needs to get this sacrifice done by midnight or he will turn to dust. Roger gets free and keeps Regula at bay with the cross Lillian had been wearing earlier. When time runs out, Regula busts into flames, Babette gets together with the highway robber, and Roger hooks up with Lillian. Everyone lives happily ever after and Liz vomited all over my shoes, well she probably would if we weren’t watching this together via the Internet.
Compared to our other Doctor Torture movie, this one at least has a story I can lay out and explain where it works and were it doesn’t. On the negative, this movie takes a really long time to play out. There could probably be a half hour cut off this movie and it wouldn’t hurt. The acting gets to be kind of meh, the music is pretty laughable; seriously at one point they are riding though a dark, creepy woods and they have the most happy, go lucky, to Grandma’s house we go music on the soundtrack.
Maybe the most laughable part of this movie is Count Regula. Repelled by a cross, drinks blood, kind of pale, a COUNT! Any of these things sound familiar? Also Christopher Lee who was best known as Count Dracula in the Hammer series of Dracula movies plays Regula. Regula wakes up and explains the entire story in one long monologue. Information that could have been laid out before the main characters throughout any other part of the movie, namely the parts WHERE NOTHING IS HAPPING. It is said that to gain immorality he needs to kill 13 virgins. He could have picked any number of virgins. No, because he is vindictive ass he picks the daughter of the woman who escaped his crazy fucking castle; and just for the fun of it asks the son of the judge who convicts him come along too. I guess getting revenge is more important than being immoral. Did it ever occur to Regula that by having a handsome, strong, male protagonist around might cause some problems for his immorality plot? Maybe after he attains immorality he could get revenge against these people. The kicker is Regula knows he can be repelled by a cross so he has is lackey look for a good Christian girl who wears a cross around her neck (face palm). He only needs to sacrifice and drink the blood of one more virgin. Why doesn’t he tell his lackey to find him a Virgin who isn’t wearing religious paraphernalia? Seems like it would be a good idea considering Christian holy symbols are his one weakness. Forgiving all of that, he has two opportunities to kill Lillian and he doesn’t. He has her brainwashed at one point, which would be a perfect opportunity to sacrifice her and become immortal but no. Then he has her knocked out cold another golden opportunity but he doesn’t bother. Instead they wake her up so they can show her the lackey waking Regula up then tell her the entire plot. What a moron! Anyone this stupid doesn’t deserve to be immorality.
Who were these movies made for? That is the question rattling through my brain. It can’t be Edgar Allen Poe fans because these movies are only loosely based on his works. It can’t be torture porn fans because the Saw movies are a lot more effective to that end. Heck, in the 70’s there were a ton of exploitation flicks that had more along the lines of torture than these movies. Then there is the misleading name. Would I call a movie Indiana Jones then not have Indy in them? Of course not but whoever named these movies seemed to forget that the characters Dr. Tarr and Dr. Sadism WEREN’T IN THE ACTUAL MOVIE! Worst of all they did it twice! So they must have thought there was a market out there for people who want to see movies with doctors torturing people. Fair enough but you don’t get that in either of these movies making the titles more than misleading but flat out lies. Neither of these movies are entertaining or better than Road House. But for whoever out there wants to make the next Doctor Torture movie or wants to rename a foreign movie, make sure you have a doctor who tortures people. I don’t think I am asking for too much.

October 18, 2009 at 1:58 am Leave a comment

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